I woke up today with major pain at my neck. I think I slept dead till I didn't realize I slept in a wrong posture. Laying down on the bed and typing is post is not helping me either. I do wonder if my neck would break one day if I keep having neck pains from uncomfortable sleeping pose. hmmm...

Yesterday I went to the beach, I love the beach alot and during this semester and the last, I have been going there often either alone or with friends. Feeling the breeze while you stand at the edge of the sea with your eyes closed and the sound of the waves crashing slowly till the height of your knees. The feeling is incredible peaceful. I love the beach and I will say it again. I love. My most favourite time to the beach is in the early mornings such as 2-3am because there's pratically no one but you (and some hiding to do their projects) but going back to the point. If you take a mat, lay down on the beach at 2 am and you gaze the skies for the stars, the wind, the sound of the waves. It's peaceful. I like beaches that has less people, because it's much more quiet and also I won't get panic attacks. I hate going to the beach that has MILLIONS of tourists just because its in front of their hotel. I like the remote ones. Here, the beach located near is old airport tracj is my most favorite spot in the whole country. Hmm.. I feel like going to the beach tonight. Maybe.

I'm going to spend the saturday night at my guardian's home and then follow them to church the next day. It's been a while since I've been to church. I guess it will be good to show my face and meet relatives that I haven't met up with since the holiday has ended. I miss my-so-called bed (coz I keep sleeping in it everytime I stay there) and the bathroom. I'll try not to go online when I am there because they say I spend too much time online, which I can't disagree upon. So, yeah, weekends with family. I miss my family. It's falling apart, bits of pieces of it. I know mum is trying her best to keep us together but for how long, I don't know. Everyone will have to grow up and separate I guess.

Today, apart from the pain at my neck and the hunger pangs, I feel better now. I think after the long walk at the beach yesterday evening has made me feel relax. I should do this often.

Will be going down to with a few friends to settle some stuff such as banks, summons (yes, its true), groceries, etc. Reason: Today is a free day and this things have to be settled this week. Lately, I've been experiencing stomach pain and I wonder whether it's also known as hunger pains because I eat less nowadays. Not because of dieting or losing weight, but because I loss my appetite but my stomach is screaming from hunger. Since I came here in early August, I lost 6 kg and I'm not feeling proud of it because I did not plan this whole losing thingy and my clothes can't fit properly anymore. Might need to buy a new wardrobe

Some colors.

okay, I chickened out. I didn't go and see the counsellor. I guess that leaving the problem for the weekend has left me with little interest and confidence to talk to the counsellor. Hmm. A very uneventful day today.

Tt's 6.17am. The birds outside are awake and busy. Sometimes I love the sounds, sometimes I wished I had a gun to shoot them all down. Lucky for them today, I didn't mind them being such a nonsense. Some birds are stupid, pigeons especially who love to fly straight to my window (which is closed 24 hours as my room is air-conditioned) and just knock themself stupid. Dumb birds.

Well, I got my first comment in this blog eh. That interesting but a bit scary too because I have no idea who read this blog. Anon. Ahh.. one of the reasons why comments are moderated before posting. Hmmm, I have class at 8am so I guess I best be getting ready.

So, I'm off to take a stick, enjoy the morning sun and then take my shower to start off the day. I've an appointment with the counsellar at 10am. She called me in the end to apologize of cancelling the earlier appointment. I was okay about it but I think she should spend more time with her sick father because you never know what might happen. Life nowadays have been cut short due to illness, accidents, etc but I'm not complaining about it. I don't see the point of living an old age unless if it's still possible to travel around the world at the age of 60. I will never settle down to waste my time. I think if it does happen that I do live an old age, I see myself still travelling to visit places I want to see instead of staying home with commitment and responsibilites. Nopserie.

Note: old age in my definition is anything more than 50 years old.

nicotine is waiting

Looking at things happening around me, most of the time I am glad that I was there to experience it, yet there are times I curse to God for letting it happen. Why? Because you wanted to test my faith. Well, look what it has brought me to. Thank alot.

I love going out having a smoke and just enjoy the view of the morning sun, when everyone is still asleep and I would get out of my room, go the the balcony, enjoy the morning breeze and finish a stick while listening to the birds, the leaves rustles and the coolness of the air around me. I hope to be able to go through this more often in the future. That is if I could wake up at 6am or just stay awake the whole night till 6am and the go to bed after doing all the above. tranquility. peace.

Going out with the company of friends is one that make me feel alive. Sometimes it drains me out though and I would dread the journey. Sometimes its fun and all problems are forgotten during that duration and happiness fills me at times like this.

I am sleepy now. Its almost 2am. I wished I could write more but I could just fall asleep without posting this. I hope to be able to write more tomorrow. So many things in my mind that I want to express, yet so little time. Its always like that neh. So little time.

Goodnight

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy : No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy : Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy : Now give me a BIG hug.
(Girl hugs him)
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day :
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only one had survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

Sad story neh. Stories that will break your heart but touch your soul is what I like. I prefer this to those cute cute happy-go-lucky stories. Sorry. The world is not that perfect.

It's been quite sometimes since I actually walked around the campus. I had breakfast with both my guardians after meeting with the people at student affairs. I miss them though I didn't want them to know that. I actually do miss talking to them and eating with them eventhough its a simple meal. I miss their company and I feel guilty that I only see them when I'm in deep shit just like the situation I'm in for the last few days/weeks. I used to spend the weekend with them but now, I can't find myself going to visit them eventhough I really do want to. It's as if the body does not want to co-operate with the mind.

“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.” - Chuck Palahniuk

change course? change to something totally different from what I've been studying since I was 15 years old? Can I get used to it? Can I handle the change? If it really do happen, then I will start paying more attention and start enjoying the time I have left in this field. yes? Do I actually have enough courage to go through the whole transition and face everyone about my changes? Can I? Do I?

oh, I just got up. It's 3.30am. I slept at 5pm and supposedly suppose to be a nap and it turns out that I slept dead didn't realize that my phone has quite alot of missed calls. Will try to return them all tomorrow morning.



Tomorrow is a new day neh. Face it with a huge stupid smile.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth

.

I dream about how it's going to end,
Approaching me quickly.
Leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear.

People making fun of me,
For no reason but jealousy.
I fantasise about my death,
I'll kill myself from holding my breath,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do.
My suicidal dream,
I'm sure you will get your's too.

Help me, comfort me,
Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now.
The rope is here, now I'll find a use.
I'll kill myself, I'll put my head in a noose.

[Chorus]

Dreamin' about my death, dream...

Suicidal, suicidal, Suicidal dream

I heard this song when I was 17 or 18 years old and I fell in love with silverchair. To date, I've all their CDs they sang in (albums, OST, Compilation, etc). I still keep their posters, newspaper cuttings. I was their no.1 fan and will always be. Daniel was one of those who has perfect voice, especially when performing live and of course will always be eventhough silverchair is inactive nowadays.

Life in the world
is unpredictable and uncertain.
Life is difficult,
short and fraught with suffering.

Being born, one has to die;
this is the nature of the world.
With old age there is death;
this is the way things are.

When fruit is ripe,
it may drop early in the morning.
In the same way,
one who is born may die at any moment.

Just as all the pots
made by all the potters
End in being broken,
So it is with the life of all who are born.

Neither young nor old,
foolish nor wise
Will escape the trap of death.
All move towards death.

They are overcome by death.
They pass on to another world.
A father cannot save his son
or a family it's members.

Look! With relatives watching,
with tears and crying,
Men are carried off one by one,
Like cattle to the slaughter.

So, death and aging
are a natural part of the world.
Thus, the wise grieve not,
seeing the nature of the world.

おげんきですか
It's been a busy day neh. I spend my afternoons with ah-boy, seems to be spending alot of time with him lately. Will he get sick of my presence? I know that he knows that I'm emotionally unstable and seems to be determine to make me awake from this dying-dream, I appreciate his effort but I can't let go anymore. This has been a part of me for too long that I can't just forget and smile the next day. Without this sadness, I will feel like I've lost something very important in my life. This is me. If he is stubborn to change that, I would be worse to keep it safe with me. My facination with sadness, despair and death has led me to who I am and I do not regret my actions towards it. I do no care if people can't accept it. It's me. I will not smile and become a cheerful person just because I want to impress someone or make their day better. The effort is not worth my energy. I'm a loner, and despite that I have a close circle of friends and family members. Friends who seems to be very protective about what's happening around me. Your protectiveness towards me, I appreciate but I think it's a bit too much and I'm drowning with it. I think that is why I prefer being alone most of the time. I can't open my mouth to say "Please leave me alone." I can only smile and leave my phone unanswered so that you'll get the hint, right?
つかれた　

苛苛する/させる

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.” - Chuck Palahniuk

Though I enjoyed my morning and afternoon, slowly it has become more and more depressing. I'm guessing I've spent too much time in this room. But then again, I've gotten accustomed to this environment. I liked being like this.

"Here in the bathroom with me are razor blades. Here is iodine to drink. Here are sleeping pills to swallow. You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don’t throw yourself down the stairs, that’s a choice. Every time you don’t crash your car, you reenlist.” - Chuck Palahniuk

I love Radiohead's Creep. Until this moment, it's my ultimate favourite song. I even went to the extend to learn guitar chords for it.

Radiohead
Pablo Honey (1993)
Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

erm. i'm going to bed early tonight i guess. have succeeded in making myself tired by staying awake the whole day since I woke up early this morning. hmm.. since 6am?

I'm suppose to go back to sleep right? ねむいです

Too late. I've another hour to go before I go down to town. It's already 8.30am. I spent my time surfing the net. Found quite a bunch of information that took caught my interest. Refer to the post before this, I love the scenery there.

*Note to self: Plan a trip to Beachy Head one day. Remember to bring a camera and sufficient stock of memory cards. Maybe buy a house there and just stay there. LOL.

I want to stay at the country side. Give me England, Korea but especially Japan. I want peaceful environment and the scenery of the country side. Though I've practically spent my entire life in the city, I just need to get away. They're draining me slowly. I just... wished I could just relax, follow my own pace. But I need the internet. はい This is one that I will not give up.

また会いましょう！

Beachy Head - Wikipedia

Beachy Head is a chalk headland on the south coast of England, close to the town of Eastbourne in the county of East Sussex. The cliff there is the highest chalk sea cliff in Britain, rising to 162 m (530 ft) above sea level. The peak allows views of the south east coast from Dungeness to the east, to Selsey Bill in the west.

Beachy Head is notorious as a popular location for people to commit suicide. Infamous art provocateur industrialists Throbbing Gristle used the spot for the cover of their "20 Jazz Funk Greats" album for just this reason. Actor David Scarboro, who originally played Mark Fowler in the popular British soap opera EastEnders, died there in 1988. There are regular helicopter patrols to look for the bodies of those who have successfully committed suicide, and a special telephone box with a direct line to The Samaritans.

Books related

Related links
Beachy Head - eastbourne.org
Beachy Head - forensicmed.co.uk
Beachy Head - beachyhead.org.uk
Beachy Head - bbc.co.uk
Beachy Head - solarnavigator.net
Beachy Head - riverocean.org.uk
Beachy Head - pubmedcentral.nih.gov



I want to visit one day.

I'll sometimes add some colors to this sad and dramatic blog of mine. It's been a bit too grey for it's own good, huh? I like black and grey color. Not to wear as clothes (of course) but just to look at them.. so that I won't have to hate the looks of the blog after sometime. I wonder how long will this blog be with me. How much can I express? I know I have my limitation, defacts but don't we all.

I love taking pictures of flowers. No matter how common the flowers are. They're still beautiful. These simple things are some of those that make me smile.



They make me feel at peace especially when they come out pretty

I can't sleep. It's 6.41am. I think I just woke up from my 3 hours sleep. I'll try to go back to sleep again later.

Despair makes a despicable figure, and descends from a mean original. We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness. -David Weatherford

I left to ah-boy's house at around 4.30pm. He was not back yet so I doze off for a while after smiling-buddha let me into the house. There was a friend at the house so I assume they were busy doing their assignment. When ah-boy came back, we were quite late to go down to town, stuck in the jam and alas, the photocopy shop was closed. We'll try again tomorrow morning. I'll be posting the boxers to DDA while ah-boy collect his books.

Talking about boxers, I bought two funky ones (which I realize after purchasing them, doubting he will ever use them. ha ha) which was a 'christmas ribbon' theme design and a green 'love' theme. It was so funky and funny. Ah-boy was a bit embarrased when I went into the shop to purchase the boxers. Wrapped them in green wrapping papers and off into the envelope. Didn't tell ah-boy to who I'm sending those to. 'Just a friend' I told him.. He got suspecious..(had to think of an excuse).. 'as a birthday gift' (ya right! his birthday was a long time ago). Ah-boy just shrugged it off. Phew! Hope's DDA will like, wear and POST the boxers. ^__^

After that we went to join ah-boy's coursemates who was playing snooker. There I met up with bicycle-boy, he was a bit cranky then because he was hungry. But he's a fine sport and funny too. I too will get cranky when I'm hungry. After a round of snooker, me, ah-boy and bicycle-boy went to have dinner while the rest of the friends when to do their shopping and go home. I had meehoon soup for dinner. Wasn't that hungry anyway until we continued shopping and bought some titbits. Ah-boy and bicycle-boy went obsessed with the camera exhibition. Rm599 for a 5.3 megapix digital camera. Ah-boy face was filled with regret to purchase his camera earlier. "No commento", I said.

Then we went to the night market to find snacks and browse through the items sold tonight. Suprisingly, there was a big crowd tonight. I thought it was for the fasting month but then I was told that fasting will only start next week. Still, it was crowded. We bought a lot of junk. LOL. I'm stuffed and yet I still have some food left on my study table. Lucky for me that my room is like a huge fridge so hopefully the leftovers can wait for me till tomorrow morning. I enjoyed myself tonight and so did the other two boys. XD

Sleep early eh. Damn tired, tomorrow have to wake up early. I'll be leaving around 9.30 am (I hope) to settle all stuff with ah-boy before everything closes. On Saturdays, offices work half day. Still no reply from mum. Sigh~~

What has happened to my supposedly appointment?

CANCELLED

Apparently she had emergency leave. Something about her father. I wished I could have emergency leave from school but apparently it's impossible. It's too late now. I've to go for it, continue this course till the end, which means, I've to sit for the quiz. Now, hopefully my lecturer would accept my reason to enable me to re-sit the quiz. Damn. He was not in so I left a note. This is so pathetic.

On the other hand, everyone else was trying their best to be helpful especially my head-of-programme (suprised but I know he was a nice man despite being him and all). LOL.

Monday will be a busy day for me. I'll be going to meet the counsellor, the head-of-programme, head of student service, and maybe the registra in hope that my problem could be solved. I wished leave of absence was possible but sigh~ now is how to make my scholarship pay for my tuition fees. I do not want my family to pay for it. Waste of money. I feel better a bit (I guess).

It's almost four. Going to town with ah-boy and do some shopping and errands. Then I'll come back to do some screenshots of a dvd to post in my other blog for my online friends pleasure.

This morning, it was all dramatic. Okay, I excused myself and cried in the toilet after a few words that I can't appeal for semester leave. Drama here and there.. now I feel a bit calm. Maybe because it's the thought of going to town and getting out from this area (even for a few hours) makes me lighten up. I still can't find myself to look for tuko-boy and lucky-boy. Too weird. Too stressful. Maybe because we're in the same classes that I feel pressured when I'm hanging around them.

For now, I'm going to get ready and go out to do some serious shopping to take my mind out of things. Will be back to update later.

2 pm is when I'll go and meet her. Hope everything will turns out well. Actually there's so many things on my mind now and I'm having a bit of difficulty putting them into words. So, there are just random thoughts that came into my mind while I'm typing now

*I'm hungry, do I have to take a shower to buy my take-away lunch from the cafe downstairs?

Note to self: find a youtube video clip to be added to this post.

*I think lucky-boy has left to class (which I don't know is at what time and I don't really care anymore). Wondering if it's a good idea to ask him to follow me shopping in the late afternoon with ah-boy. (smack forehead - oh yeah, he's broke.)
*idea cancelled

*Not enough clothes to do laundry. Didn't go out enough to have clothes to wash.

Note to self: need to find more 50 cents coins for laundry. Did tuko-boy tried to call me because he need to do his laundry? His liquid detergent is in my room. hmmm...

*I wonder how the weather outside the window. Lazy to get up from the bed to check it out but will have to because of hunger and need to take a shower. Motivation, someone?

Note to self: Get ready by 1.30pm (ahem, if my appointment at 12pm or 2 pm) hmmmm... let's just hope its at 2pm.

*OMG, I haven't sit for the quiz yet and inform about it to my lecturer. Prays I can take a semester leave. Does not want to sit for anything. Just want to lay in bed and daydream away.

*one competition, 1 quiz, 6 assignments and 1 lab report due soon. Hmmmm~~

Note to self: inform lucky-boy that I need the printed questions for all the assignments. To be on the safe side.

*Hungry. What to eat for lunch? Rice and meat? it'll coz be around rm7. yes, I'll get broke faster if I continue having take-aways from the cafe.

*stomach hurting already. but body still lazy. fingers still typing. picks up mineral water bottle and drink water first. hope it will help. take-away? hmmm

Note to self: Clean room, too many papers laying around the room. Some need to go into the dustbin.

*Birds outside to annoying. Anyone got a gun? I want to shoot them all down. Irritated.

Note to self: Car need to be sent for air-conditioning servicing.

*I miss daddy.

Note to self: Send chef-boy a belated birthday greeting. Maybe through friendster.

*Oh ya, shopping tonight. ah-boy collects his photocopied materials, buys toiletries, goes to find boxers. Ha Ha. Let's just say I'm bored and amuse with DDA's post.

*mum haven't replied my email (getting panicky) .. how how how now?..

Note to self: Call little-boy and encourage him to try stay as student as long as he can until papers go through. Isn't this shooting back to myself? hmmm..

*Neck ache. wrong position in sleeping I think.

*Can't take it anymore. Going down to take-away my lunch. tata

独奏家・雅

What did you mean? There are times I tried to understand what you said, there are times I failed. I told you to love yourself, didn't I? I guess the question then shot back to me. Did you really receive all the songs I sent you? Or did you just mean, all the messages that everyone has sent to you for your birthday. I know that it's been a busy time for you. Try to take a break, could you please? You said you'll take a break this year and go for a vacation, then why do I still see you working even extra hard this year. Do you not feel satisfied with yourself? I'm sorry I didn't write to you for some time now. I've been filled with my own guilt, my own problems which I do not want to trouble you more than there's in your life. I've no guts let this be known to you so I'll just post this here hoping you won't find it. I miss writing to you, but I could no longer write happy thoughts and words of encouragement for you as I myself need them desperately but failed. I still hoped you did really enjoy your birthday with loving people around you. Take some rest. You're making everyone worried especially me.

愛してるぞ

それはほぼ6時であり、私はまだ目がさめている。

I really need something to do and that does not include studying. Maybe coz I'm nervous about tomorrow meeting with the counsellor and lecturer. Can't run away and avoid anymore, can I? I made a 'Link Me' button (see the side bar) Ha Ha. Hmm.. ate a 'butter & sugar' bun a while ago. It costs RM0.80. Delicious. Should have bought more. The air-conditioning is freezing me up. Luckily I'm wearing my sweater to sleep. Met gym-boy when having dinner with ah-boy. It was good seeing him. Someone I know (not so personally but close enough). We hug, it was funny coz he's taller than me and I felt ackward. LOL. Spending time with ah-boy lighten me up a bit, but I guess moments like this won't last forever won't they. Ah-boy told me to decide for myself, saying it's time for me to make my own decision. Can I not make my own decision? Because it always turns out bad. Yes, I chose this course and I've to deal with it. Honestly, I was secretly jumping of joy in my heart when my mum told me to change course now. Actually, she told me during every semester break but I was stubborn. No ones fault actually. Just mine. Now she's offering me that choice again, I'm guessing it's going to be the last time she's going to offer me this chance. I want to grab it but is the option really open for me? Can I chance course now and still be a student here or do I have to finish my current course and fail it again. Failing does not do any good to one's self confidence. I can tell you that.

Anyway, just feeling bored. Going to find some more funky stuff to add to this blogspot thingy. This is the 2nd blogspot account I have and a tblog account before that. The earlier ones that I had are now dead or on permanent hiatus. I've decided to let them go. Maybe because I'm obviously known with that username so I can't really blog as open as I want and I don't want them to know the real me. I hope this blog won't die like the previous ones. My mum haven't emailed me back. I think it's daylight at her side of the world. I haven't call my sister about my school fees. I don't know how to talk to her. Speechless. Because once I let out my voice to the phone, I surely would just breakdown and cry. That I did when I receive the scholarship news and told my sister about it. A few words to describe the moments. Shocked, betrayed, pressured, shy, humiliated, lost.

Can I apply for study leave from school eventhough it's already late. The deadline was 31 August. I know it's late but something came up. I hate it this semester. It wasn't so bad till I found out that I have to pay for my own fees because the scholarship does not apply on repeated subjects. Do you think my head of programme will approve my leave? I have to keep my status as a student here as long as I can until the lawyers papers are through. Sigh~ If I had known earlier that the scholarship won't be approved, I would have changed course or even taken up the study leave to make myself normal and not put myself in this situation. Really. This is too depressing. I stayed in my course because according to the agreement, if I were to changed my course, they won't continue my scholarship. Now they aren't going to settle my fees for the semester, what difference will it make. Why did they only tell me now. Deadline is already over. I emailed my mum about this, she told me to change course. I want to take a study leave. If I take a study leave, will I still be considered as a student here?

I'm going to attend my counselling sessions tomorrow. Hopefully she can help me with my doubts and problems. So many things happening in on shot. I have no mood to talk to anyone but dinner with ah-boy did help me loosen up. Yes, I feel better now but the thoughts are still in my mind. I doubt that I could sleep early tonight.

My worries:
*studies - because the mind is busy thinking about other stuff that I can't concentrate at all. I'm practically drowning in it. Having sleepless nights, missing out on classes. My interest in this field has slowly fading away and am beginning to dread every classes that I have to attend. The work load is killing me mentally eventhough its not physically, my brain can't seem to function properly anymore. It's like a permanent mental block and it refuses to accept any informations and formulas. It's like I'm sitting in the class with a blank mind that wishes to stay blank. Though the hands are moving to take notes, the mind is not doing anything.

*family - migration to another country that is so foreign to me (honestly I am looking forward for it to make a fresh start in a fresh different lifestyle) but I can't let go of my roots here. I feel guilty and sadden for it but I need to leave this place. I can no longer face this problems with a smile on my face. My family has suddenly been situated apart from each other. All at different places in the world. I want them all back together with me. I cannot afford the feeling of loss. I'm scared that I will lose this relationship.

*friends - I can't find myself trusting anyone anymore. I need to keep a distance away from everyone I know because I feel threaten. Did they friend me because of me or because of my background? I feel used at times. Really. And it breaks my heart. I no longer have the urge to know new people and make new friends. I've enough bad experience to keep me where I am now. And they call me unfriendly and distant. Whatever you want to say.

*health - Am I stressed out? I'm still losing weight eventhough I try my best to keep my diet balanced out. My family says its a good thing to lose weight because I'm in desperate need to lose them but is it good until the extend that my clothes seems loose and my appetite is slowly losing its desire for food? I can't sleep at night. I thought maybe because I spend alot of time on the internet but i tried that. I didn't go online for a night and still I lay down on my bed, turning and turning but I'm still awake. Awake that I could attend the early class and go down to town but after that, at around 2-3pm, my body suddenly shut down. Sleeping dead till now even the banging on my door could wake me up until the night. And then I am awake again.

*social - The past few weeks, I get panic attacks when I am in the presence of a crowd of people. I could last 2 hours max and then my body will start shaking, I would feel so uncomfortable that I want to leave that place fast. I've a feeling that I'm being watched, judged, critisized, etc. My heart was beating so fast as though I have just finished running. My mind keep thinking and imagining all the possible bad things that could happen. I can't even stay for long to watch the drag race that I was so looking forward for. I can stand the heat, the delays but I can't stand the crowd. After 2 hours at the event area, my mind was screaming for me to get out of there and to go back to my own room where I would feel safe. Paranoid I am. When I walk, drive, talk, its as if my eyes are watching the movie coz the mind ain't responding to me. It's as if the living body has a dying soul in it. I'm losing interest in life, I mean, I don't find anything appealing apart from being on the internet.

*too many other problems to write about. though they are all small details but when you add them all. This is me. I'm filled with it and I can't run away from it. I don't know how to solve it. I'm lost.

I think I really need to talk to the counsellor but how am I going to start? I'm bad at doing personal conversation, I think I'm better at talking nonsense stuff and joking all the way. I pretend to be 'happy go lucky' but inside me, I'm slowly dying slowly losing it. Could I just print this post out and pass it to her for her to read? I'll try that tomorrow.

Today I woke up with a pain at my head. Did I bang on the wall while sleeping? Did I pass out? If not, why the hell was it 3.30pm when I woke up and why didn't I hear both the alarms on my handphone? WTF! I missed my quiz. ARGH! Going to see the doctor tonight to find some excuse to give me a sick leave so that I can re-take the quiz. I'm dead meat.

After realizing that I missed the quiz, I went back to sleep and now fully awake, it's 6pm. My body-clock is way fucked up than I thought it would be. Awake at night, asleep in the afternoon. Missed breakfast and lunch, have dinner n supper. Is that why I'm losing 2kg per week though I think I'm still maintaining my eating. Its still 2 meals per day and these meals aren't as small portion as you thought it is.

Honestly, I don't feel like socializing anymore. Hell, I don't feel like talking anymore. Not a word has came out from my mouth since I woke up and I feel so relaxed. I know it's weird. I think I'm just to tried to put effort in being friendly and open to people. It's like the wind. It comes and goes. Those who knew me long enough knows this side of me. My siblings understand. My relatives.. that's another case. I have to sometimes force myself to smile with them. Are they forcing themselves as well?

Ok. the toilet is calling me...

I was messing around with a blog template generator and tada.. this is what I got.

Nothing grand but I guess it will do for the time being.

I changed it because I do not want to use the free normal template that most blogspots uses.

Too.. normal... too.. common.. u get what I mean?

I think I spend too much time doing this that I forgotten to sleep.

It's 8.57am and my class will only start at 1.30pm today (I hope)

A quiz. A damn quiz.

Going off to bed then.

ps: There's this guy I like, his personality really .. makes me want to know more of him. XD. He's funny and loves to make people laugh/smile. Because he makes me less of how sad I can become. Am I falling for him? or do I just need some happiness to make me a better person?

ps: - date of post is wrong. Just needed to upload this picture somewhere for the time being