Can I apply for study leave from school eventhough it's already late. The deadline was 31 August. I know it's late but something came up. I hate it this semester. It wasn't so bad till I found out that I have to pay for my own fees because the scholarship does not apply on repeated subjects. Do you think my head of programme will approve my leave? I have to keep my status as a student here as long as I can until the lawyers papers are through. Sigh~ If I had known earlier that the scholarship won't be approved, I would have changed course or even taken up the study leave to make myself normal and not put myself in this situation. Really. This is too depressing. I stayed in my course because according to the agreement, if I were to changed my course, they won't continue my scholarship. Now they aren't going to settle my fees for the semester, what difference will it make. Why did they only tell me now. Deadline is already over. I emailed my mum about this, she told me to change course. I want to take a study leave. If I take a study leave, will I still be considered as a student here?

I'm going to attend my counselling sessions tomorrow. Hopefully she can help me with my doubts and problems. So many things happening in on shot. I have no mood to talk to anyone but dinner with ah-boy did help me loosen up. Yes, I feel better now but the thoughts are still in my mind. I doubt that I could sleep early tonight.

My worries:
*studies - because the mind is busy thinking about other stuff that I can't concentrate at all. I'm practically drowning in it. Having sleepless nights, missing out on classes. My interest in this field has slowly fading away and am beginning to dread every classes that I have to attend. The work load is killing me mentally eventhough its not physically, my brain can't seem to function properly anymore. It's like a permanent mental block and it refuses to accept any informations and formulas. It's like I'm sitting in the class with a blank mind that wishes to stay blank. Though the hands are moving to take notes, the mind is not doing anything.

*family - migration to another country that is so foreign to me (honestly I am looking forward for it to make a fresh start in a fresh different lifestyle) but I can't let go of my roots here. I feel guilty and sadden for it but I need to leave this place. I can no longer face this problems with a smile on my face. My family has suddenly been situated apart from each other. All at different places in the world. I want them all back together with me. I cannot afford the feeling of loss. I'm scared that I will lose this relationship.

*friends - I can't find myself trusting anyone anymore. I need to keep a distance away from everyone I know because I feel threaten. Did they friend me because of me or because of my background? I feel used at times. Really. And it breaks my heart. I no longer have the urge to know new people and make new friends. I've enough bad experience to keep me where I am now. And they call me unfriendly and distant. Whatever you want to say.

*health - Am I stressed out? I'm still losing weight eventhough I try my best to keep my diet balanced out. My family says its a good thing to lose weight because I'm in desperate need to lose them but is it good until the extend that my clothes seems loose and my appetite is slowly losing its desire for food? I can't sleep at night. I thought maybe because I spend alot of time on the internet but i tried that. I didn't go online for a night and still I lay down on my bed, turning and turning but I'm still awake. Awake that I could attend the early class and go down to town but after that, at around 2-3pm, my body suddenly shut down. Sleeping dead till now even the banging on my door could wake me up until the night. And then I am awake again.

*social - The past few weeks, I get panic attacks when I am in the presence of a crowd of people. I could last 2 hours max and then my body will start shaking, I would feel so uncomfortable that I want to leave that place fast. I've a feeling that I'm being watched, judged, critisized, etc. My heart was beating so fast as though I have just finished running. My mind keep thinking and imagining all the possible bad things that could happen. I can't even stay for long to watch the drag race that I was so looking forward for. I can stand the heat, the delays but I can't stand the crowd. After 2 hours at the event area, my mind was screaming for me to get out of there and to go back to my own room where I would feel safe. Paranoid I am. When I walk, drive, talk, its as if my eyes are watching the movie coz the mind ain't responding to me. It's as if the living body has a dying soul in it. I'm losing interest in life, I mean, I don't find anything appealing apart from being on the internet.

*too many other problems to write about. though they are all small details but when you add them all. This is me. I'm filled with it and I can't run away from it. I don't know how to solve it. I'm lost.

I think I really need to talk to the counsellor but how am I going to start? I'm bad at doing personal conversation, I think I'm better at talking nonsense stuff and joking all the way. I pretend to be 'happy go lucky' but inside me, I'm slowly dying slowly losing it. Could I just print this post out and pass it to her for her to read? I'll try that tomorrow.