It was my own choice so I can't say much about it. I choose to stay a week here and so here I am, getting sick due to the bad weather and also because I spend 80% of my day indoors. Hah.

The last few days was fun. A bit of family reunions and also news updating amongst cousins. I missed all of them and also hanging out with them especially. It's as if a part of me that was lost for such a long time has been found and it a way I don't feel so empty and incomplete. I missed the good times we had spent and regret for the time that was lost. Two years was too long and slowly along the timeline, I was sadden by the whole ordeal and the outcome that resulted from the ordeal. Though I know that time will be short and distance will be so great, I felt that I need to reconnect to my roots as much as I can before I lost it. I missed the food, the language, the hospitality and the stories shared. I do. Regret is that I'm stuck in a situation where I had to continue with my life knowing it will be impossible to expose myself too much to the past but I do want to keep in touch with them, at least be updated with the changes happening amongst them. This is so weird. Tomorrow I am back to the real world, to be awaken from a dream that was fun and family. I know that no matter what, blood is what connected us but sometimes the real world could be so cruel. Sometimes because of the word 'blood' it makes us sadden and suffer emotional breakdown realizing that the one that connected us together is no longer here with us and somehow the whole chain has been broken reaching to the point that was beyond repair.

Have you ever wished that life would be so carefree and less complicated than it already has been. I do. All the time. I wished I had a simpler life without so much resposibilities that indirectly had me stuck in the position where I am. So much expectations though not verbally expressed. So much that most of the time I can't furfill them and that it brought me down. It broke me to pieces that couldn't be glued together and even if it could, there will still be marks and some pieces missing no matter how small the piece may seem.

Having fun but deep inside feeling all alone. Knowing that the fun won't last forever and that after it ends, responsibilities have to be taken care of. I felt no anger, I just felt pain. No matter how anger I am, it will only end up with sadness. No matter how deep the feeling of taking revenge, it will go away but deep inside the hurt could never leave me. I tried so hard, though I'm not showing it, I really did and then in return, I feed myself with sadness away from public eyes. Have you ever seen a smiling face with sad eyes? I was once told that I have that look. No matter how happy I am, how angry I am and how pissed I am, the eyes still shows sadness inside. They say eyes can't really hide the real feeling that lies deep inside the soul. The soul that is broken.

What am I to you? a friend? a sister? a daugther? a cousin? a coursemate or just a mere human being? Why am I not feeling special?

One thing I had regret in my life and this regret will never leave me.
I wished I told him I loved him more often when I had a chance.
Do you know I do?

Want to know a secret?
I'll tell you one.
Collecting 200mg of tobacco
Usage?
That's another secret
I'm only telling you one.
And I did.

I hope I'll be able to meet the man who had settle down and left me. I want to ask him.
"Are you having fun settling down?"
Yes, I'll ask him when I meet up with him.
And I'll throw him one of my biggest sarcastic smile.
Call it a smirk if you must
I'm still going to do that.

There's not enough alcohol.
It's still painful.

When I sit at the beach, the strong breeze that touches my cheeks. I felt so close to heaven. Feeling the breeze with the car when it moves with the windows open. I missed it all. I used to be in a rowing team during my studies when I was in KLumpur. Though it was fucked up but I did have fun and never regret a thing there except maybe some stuff that left unsaid and unrepaired.

Going back to the rowing subject, I was on the school's rowing team. A cox5 with was 5 people on the boat but only 4 will do the rowing. I was rower 1 who was facing the cox. It was lucky of me that the rest of my team was either too tall or underweight that I fit into the equation perfectly. The coach at first didn't approve of my exictence in the club because he would prefer tall rowers instead of the average height with I have yet to reach. Calling it determination and fun, this was the first time I actually got involved dedicatedly into a sport. Doing rounds of running, climbing hills and most of all training furiously on the agrometer for a week in preparation for the regatta.

During training, it was pure torture but alas on the water, rowing for the 2000m in a few minutes, the heart soaring and hands pulling the oars. It was then I felt alive, the strong breeze that flush through my face till the finish line. I felt free. I want that feeling again though I know it won't happen. One day, when I have transport, I hope to be able to visit my old rowing spot at Empangan Batu. I wonder if the boathouse still stands where it used to and if members still go there to do training.

My only most regret about leaving that school was leaving the sport that had me fallen in love with totally. Here, the sport is totally unheard of. After I left, the team had fallen apart and gave way to newcomers and juniors. Memories like these are kept mostly in the heart and pictures that I was lucky enough to take whilst I was still there for a short 1 1/2 year.

Today I experienced alot of flashback memories. It was more painful than it was fun.

I woke up feeling better. I fell in love with Narnia's OST which I got from Smiling-Buddha. I missed songs like this. I missed going to church to sing my lungs out. I can't make myself to go though. I'm totally f***ed up already. Have I ever say that I was honestly happy? Then why am I always sad. Why am I always lonely? And when I'm surrounded by people and friends, I'll be laughing and smiling but inside, I'm slowly breaking into pieces knowing that this won't last forever. The feeling will be gone when I get home and I'm alone again. I love being around people but at the same time paranoid of all the things happening in the surroundings. I can't explain what I'm really feeling right now. I can't even tell what is really happening to me. I just know that I have lost my self in this pretense for so long that I no longer know the real me. Sometimes, help is not enough.

I woke up at 3pm this afternoon realizing I was late for the big event. Lucky-boy's band will be the first band to be performing and I won't want to miss it. But then I had to first reload my phone and also buy a box before actually attending the carnival. Today's weather wasn't too bad as it wasn't hot due to the haze. The haze has been pretty bad lately. I feel sick from that and also since my car's air-conditioning system isn't working, I had to expose myself to the haze everytime I drive which was made worse by smoking and the exzos smokes from other vehicles. I'll be sick soon, I know I will.

Back to the subject on the carnival, I went to pick up Ah-Boy and Mr.C before going back to campus. It was a good event. Not as happening as it was before but there was supports from the students and their friends. Less outsider visitors but I guess it was due to poor publicity. Anyway, I enjoyed the performances, entertained myself to by buying rm30 worth of coupons to be spend. Smiling Buddha was there with his club and Mr SH keeps on chasing after me to support his club by buying rm5 worth of food which I still think is not worth the money.

There was a carwash held and costs rm8, I sent my car for the wash since I've nothing to do and also MrJ was one of those washing. Me, Ah-Boy and MrC sat around the lab area eating the huge amount of food we had just bought, and also entertained MrJ's girlfriend who didn't do much except waiting for MrJ washing. It was a good day today. Yes. I had good company till the evening. MrC wanted to try western food so we went to have western food. Me and Ah-Boy didn't eat though as we had quite alot from the carnival. I instead ordered take-away that has a bonus with it. It was simply delicious. I guess I better enjoy as much food as I can since I have the chance now before actually leaving to a place that would be practically impossible to even find authentic asian cuisine. I've been pratically having the same food as my dinner straight for this week and I'm still not sick of it and I won't mind having more.

After dinner, we went to the beach after I purchased some beer. It's been a while since I've actually drank anything alcoholic. I think it was since the beginning of the semester which was a few months ago. Was suprised myself that I could actually go through without drinking during the weekends. Maybe that's why I had the urge to drink tonight. Not for the company or the fun, but for the yearning of what was once so normal and routine. So, what's left now is the 2 tin of Tiger beer from the 4 tins I had bought. After posting this up, I'll open my tins of beer and smoke at the balcony, looking at the skies, and start missing everyone. Yes, I guess that's what I'll do.

I had a good day till I read one comment that broke my feeling. Am I a stalker? I just bought some presents because it was funny and when it was posted, some random guy left a comment saying the receiver has got a stalker. Maybe I shouldn't have bought them nor ask him to make a post on it. I know I'm being sensitive and maybe that random guy is trying to joke around. I wish I could just face that random guy and spit on his face while saying 'I hate you'. I don't feel like being a nice girl today. Yes, my day which was supposed to be a happy one ended with a feeling of hate to that miriguy. If I had known how to hack, I would definately mess up his site and post s**ts on it instead. I don't feel like talking anymore, beer is calling me. Hopefully I'll sleep better after the two tins.

It's 2am. Just my luck for feeling so hungry. Nothing is open by now. Not even the burger stall. Damn. I wished I could just cook myself some instant noodle but I've nothing in the kitchen. Not even a pot. Not that I will often cook anyway. I guess I have to try to keep myself distrated from food till the morning then have a good breakfast. I had a good dinner with ah-boy and smiling-buddha and I met a few cousins. I can't wait for tomorrow which is mooncake festival and saturday. At last, something to look forward for.

Someone, somebody, come and say it to my face that I need a life.
I'll give you a punch at your left eye
And that will make me feel alive again
God, I need a punching bag badly.
Have been feeling agitated today for reasons I do not know.
Maybe I need to get out often from my room.
Motivation wise to make me do that, none
Companionship that I want, none
I only look forward to have my dinner at night outside from campus.
I want to go to the beach later. I guess I'll be going alone.
Want to take some pictures. I think I'll have to think about getting myself a real camera instead of relying on the phone-camera.
Maybe I'm just desperately craving for someone to love and accompany but am too stubborn to show it. This smile is usually just temporary. After the smile fades away, the heart will continue its process of slowing breaking down to pieces.

Have you ever woke up in the morning and eyes wide open but its as if the soul has left the body because you can't make the body get up no matter how hard you try. so you just lay there on the bed looking blankly at the walls until the body decides it want to move out from the bed? I do. I went through it this morning. Just staring at the wall for a few hours until I can't take it anymore. The body need to use the toilet. Then I took my bath after a smoke, submitted my assignments, settled my internet connection, enquire about my school fees, talk to some aunties who was working the the campus and then here I am again. In front of the internet. The lecturers have realized the fact that I won't be attending their classes regularly so they won't be bothering me that much in the future. I just can't leave this room to face the class. I feel as if the whole class is staring at me and backstabbing me. Paranoid I am. I just want to spend alone time with myself in my own room. I don't want to meet people. I get tired after a conversation or two. It takes too much effort to be jolly and happy. Really. It does. I don't have much appetite to eat today, I ate a few packets of crackers and a vitagen. I'll try to have something for dinner or supper so that I won't get gastric attack. I'm lost. Today is my sister's birthday and I wish her happiness and wealth. Loving her everyday always. I'm going to take a nap now. Will be up at 10 or 11pm. I hope.

Today I had a pretty good day. Well, most part of it.

*had settle my parking summons so no more worries about that
*had submitted my industrial training letter (still can't figure out why I'm submitting it if I'm going to change course..oh well..)
*had a good lunch/dinner with good company
*had enough supply of mineral water to last me till the end of the semester.
*present had been posted and its been loved (luckily)
*had a good supper with good company
*able to submit assignments
*puasa month meant more food XD

now for the bad part
*car air-cond need major repairs (plan to do it during the holidays depending on how serious the damage is)
*it's the beginning of the month and i've used up almost half the month pocket money
*major assignments haven't been touched and starting to give headache
*mum says have to lose more weight if want a external harddrive. dang~
*the haze is too much to handle. RAIN PLEASE!!!
*it's 5 am and i'm still awake. shyt!



I first heard veruca salt when i was in form5 and had bought their cassette no long after that but lost it. it's hard to find their stuff nowadays cos i think they disband already. hmmmm.. my fave song. such emo. too bad there's no better quality video of this song. sigh~~~ female guitarists is rare and two in a band is awesome!

When I was on my trip to Hong Kong, I bought a softcover book of Danielle Steel at one of the shops at Hong Kong International Airport because I wanted something to read on the plane back to Malaysia and something about the book attracted me. Whilst reading it I've begun to love that book and every single words written by Danielle. Her love for her son, her son's life the moment he was born till the day he commited suicide. It was and still is one of my favourite book. Alas, I lost that copy when friends started borrowing the book and none wanted to admit having it. For the last few years, I've been searching high and low for the book but failed till last August when my mum's friend bought that book during her trip overseas and for that, I welcome his presence into my family. A simple gesture, a simple book was all it took. Yes, I'm soft when it comes to books I love and treasure. This copy though is in a poor state after being read by my mum so I hope one day I could obtain a hardcopy (if possible). I do not want to purchase it online, I want to be there at the counter paying for that book that will be mine. The book is called His Bright Light: The story of Nick Traina - Danielle Steel (1998).



From this book;

Used To
There's no point in fighting me
Cuz I've already lost
This life is but a battle
That I've already fought
Every day I bow my head
Surrender to myself
I used to be so strong
I used to not need help
I used to be a boy
I grew into a man
But I'm not even living
I don't know who I am.
A life that's just spent dying
Is not a life at all.
Walking through this life
And through this living hell
It really can't last much longer
I've lost all I once had.
I know it could be worse
But still it's pretty bad

(Written by Nick Traina)

and at the introduction,

"Wider than the ocean, bigger than the sky. Fly well, my darling boy, until we meet again." - Danielle Steel

A book worth reading and enjoying every single detail of it. While I'm typing out this post, my book is laying next to my laptop. I will read it again later. ^__^

So, my day has been spent according to plan except for the laundry. I'll do it on Tuesday if the weather is fine enough. It's pretty hazy today and it has made me one lazy bum. Lazy that I've not started doing my lab report, lazy that I was not motivated to start the other assignments. Lazy that I rather spend my time on the internet updating this blog. Ha Ha. Lame, I know.

"If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it”

Oh my, how I agree with this quote so much. =P

Since I've ran out of ideas on what to talk about. I bought an anime box set a few months ago and had a liking upon it though was unsatisfied on how short the episodes are with no head nor tail. It's called Jigoku Shōjo (地獄少女) or Girl from Hell who is also known as Enma Ai. Though the title might give an eiry feeling, the storyline ain't that bad. A well know quote from that series is

闇に纏いし哀れな影よ。 人を傷つけ貶めて罪に溺れし業の霊 ・・・イッペン　死ンデミル？'
"O miserable shadow clad in darkness! Hurting and disdaining people, a karmic soul drowning in sin... Would you try dying for once?"- Enma Ai.

Okay, enough of it. If interested, click to their main website.


Hmm, what else.. I went to the night market with Ah-boy and bought some food and drinks back to eat at his home. The food was okay, no complaints here since the portion is big. I'm tired now. I'm going to bed early tonight I hope and hopefully won't wake up early in the morning as in 3 am as always. I'll end this post with the PV for Jigoku Shōjo.

My plan for the weekend didn't go as what I wanted. I was supposed to go to my guardian's home on the Saturday night, but instead I overslept the supposedly nap from 5pm and woke at 10pm which was too late to go there anyway. Then I became this night-bat and couldn't sleep until 5am when I became very very sleepy and alas woke up at 10am so I missed church which started at 9am. My body clock is weird I tell you. Weird. Or maybe I'm just lazy to meet people. ARGH!

Anyways, total of 6 assignments and 1 lab report for the month of October. I've done 2 assignments and soon I'll start off my lab report. Hopefully everything won't be in a rush or else I won't have a life again. How can they expect me to attend all the classes with all this assignments needed to be handed in? Give up my internet? You wish. It's bad enough that I do not have a social life. Jeez.

It's the fasting month for the Muslim, I enjoy going through the night markets venturing for new food or old rare ones that I miss since my childhood. I love the puasa month for the fact that it is during this month when you could actually eat malay food for a cheaper price and more varieties. Hmm.. all this writing on food had made me hungry. Maybe I'll pay them a visit in the evening.

How many times have I told you that I love the beach? Now I will say it again. I love the beach. XD.

What am I going to do today? Spend my time on youtube, do some laundry, visit the beach, smoke some sticks, do lab report and online again.