Have you ever felt lonely even though you were surrounded by friends and families that loved you? I have. I feel it all the time. It has grown apart of me and without it I would have felt empty. Though loneliness does bring the meaning of emptiness, it is still a word, it still exist.

Have you ever smiled with sad eyes? I have. When I smile in to the mirror every morning, the eyes smiled back at me sadly. It was as if it understood that I would be going through the day without feeling excited about it. It was as if it knew that I practically would force myself to go through the day smiling and sometimes the smiles are forced.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I weren't given the chance to be alive in this world. Would it be any different than it is now? Most of the time I would just stroll through the days and it will repeat itself the following day. When I wake up in the morning, I would just lie down on the bed, eyes focused on to the white walls staring it for so long that the eyes would feel tired. The mind forcing the body to get out of bed as if persuading that body that it had to do. Legs drag themselves to the bathroom sink to wash the eyes. What am I going to do today? Nothing interesting. Just the same stuff. Looking at the alarm clock, 11.30 am. Lunch awaits downstairs and so that was what the stomach was looking forward for. Taking a spoon, filling up a cup of water then slowly proceeds to the table to have it. Chicken rice. Yea. That is lunch today. I do miss it though. The steamed chicken on yellow coloring rice. Yum. Ah~ the peace and quiet of the surroundings calms me. It really does.

When I look outside the window, I see nothing. Just blur sceneries and visions that serve no meaning to me. When I drive through the town with the windows all down, all I hear are noises I don't understand. There I sat in my drivers seat, looking blankly at the red traffic light. What if I release the brake paddle and let the car stroll through the heavy traffic? Would it then make me feel alive? That few seconds of suspense and glimpse of reality, Looking blankly at the road again while driving thoughtlessly along the road. It's as if I drove out of mere memorization instead of a piece of concentration. Yes. I just drove aimlessly waiting for something to happen while on the road. Praying for a truck to hit me from the side. Just for the sake of curiosity and a drop of adrenaline rush.

Sitting there and singing the songs, my mind drifted away wondering if I really meant what I sang. Yes, I love to sing. I love to hear the harmony and the music. My heart is lifted by it but after a while it began to sink back to its hiding place. Hidden away behind unseen walls that have been unconsciously built along the years. Could someone please find a crane to knock it down? These walls that has rose to limitless skies.

I watched a dvd not long ago and it was called : Collage Of Our Life. I would highly recommend it. It's a very nice movie and it did have me thinking about how short life it and how beautiful it can be.

Time it was, oh what a time it was, it was,
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.

- Simon & Garfunkel

Have you ever when through the day feeling that your body is slowly dying on you? I just had that feeling today. I ate eventhough I didn't feel hungry. I bought music eventhough I can feel the sound. I just walk through eventhough my body is not with me. Its as if it's moving on its on will and not what or when I want it to move. Am I just tired or is it because of the 2 tablespoon of cough syrup which I had taken. The body is in pain, the mind is thinking nothing now except sleeping. I had plan to keep my room clean today but I guess it will have to be done another day. I wished that the weather wasn't so hot and sunny today. I had to put the air-conditioning on and its making my cough worse. I wish I was in my own bed in my own home now. I feel so dead here. Yes, my best friends are now 4 white walls, a door and sliding windows. I stare at my wall everyday. I wished I would stare outside the window and look at trees but it's also where the sun is facing in so I had to pull the curtains. It's pretty lonely in here. I think it's no different than sitting in a cell.

"The best thing for being sad,' replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, 'is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then - to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting." - The Once and Future King, T.H.White

It's 4 pm now. My body can't take it anymore. It's screaming to sleep. To rest. Yes, that is what I will do. I'll wake up when I am hungry.

It's been almost a week since I've started coughing and still I am in this condition. No, I will not give up my cancer-sticks just because the throat needs time to recover. Exams have started but instead I'm now cleaning up my room. I need to leave this place as soon as I possibly can. It's killing me slowly inside. Though I may not be able to see it phycially but yes, I can feel it. It's a feeling one would dread waking up with each day. It's as if the colors of the world that rotates around me has become dull. Nights of coughing has not given me much sleep and craving for oily food made things worse for the throat. I hope I'll be voiceless soon so that I won't have to spend my saliva explaining my conditions and avoiding advices to stop smoking.




I need a long, very long break from all this. I need to get away from the city, the crowd, the phonecalls, the people especially. I need. It is not I want. It is what I need.

"Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived I was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable feminity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars- to be a part of a scene, anonomous, listening, recording - all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night..." - The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

PS: Where's my mum when u need her. T_____T