The last few days was fun. A bit of family reunions and also news updating amongst cousins. I missed all of them and also hanging out with them especially. It's as if a part of me that was lost for such a long time has been found and it a way I don't feel so empty and incomplete. I missed the good times we had spent and regret for the time that was lost. Two years was too long and slowly along the timeline, I was sadden by the whole ordeal and the outcome that resulted from the ordeal. Though I know that time will be short and distance will be so great, I felt that I need to reconnect to my roots as much as I can before I lost it. I missed the food, the language, the hospitality and the stories shared. I do. Regret is that I'm stuck in a situation where I had to continue with my life knowing it will be impossible to expose myself too much to the past but I do want to keep in touch with them, at least be updated with the changes happening amongst them. This is so weird. Tomorrow I am back to the real world, to be awaken from a dream that was fun and family. I know that no matter what, blood is what connected us but sometimes the real world could be so cruel. Sometimes because of the word 'blood' it makes us sadden and suffer emotional breakdown realizing that the one that connected us together is no longer here with us and somehow the whole chain has been broken reaching to the point that was beyond repair.

Have you ever wished that life would be so carefree and less complicated than it already has been. I do. All the time. I wished I had a simpler life without so much resposibilities that indirectly had me stuck in the position where I am. So much expectations though not verbally expressed. So much that most of the time I can't furfill them and that it brought me down. It broke me to pieces that couldn't be glued together and even if it could, there will still be marks and some pieces missing no matter how small the piece may seem.

Having fun but deep inside feeling all alone. Knowing that the fun won't last forever and that after it ends, responsibilities have to be taken care of. I felt no anger, I just felt pain. No matter how anger I am, it will only end up with sadness. No matter how deep the feeling of taking revenge, it will go away but deep inside the hurt could never leave me. I tried so hard, though I'm not showing it, I really did and then in return, I feed myself with sadness away from public eyes. Have you ever seen a smiling face with sad eyes? I was once told that I have that look. No matter how happy I am, how angry I am and how pissed I am, the eyes still shows sadness inside. They say eyes can't really hide the real feeling that lies deep inside the soul. The soul that is broken.

What am I to you? a friend? a sister? a daugther? a cousin? a coursemate or just a mere human being? Why am I not feeling special?

One thing I had regret in my life and this regret will never leave me.
I wished I told him I loved him more often when I had a chance.
Do you know I do?

Want to know a secret?
I'll tell you one.
Collecting 200mg of tobacco
Usage?
That's another secret
I'm only telling you one.
And I did.

I hope I'll be able to meet the man who had settle down and left me. I want to ask him.
"Are you having fun settling down?"
Yes, I'll ask him when I meet up with him.
And I'll throw him one of my biggest sarcastic smile.
Call it a smirk if you must
I'm still going to do that.

There's not enough alcohol.
It's still painful.