Have you ever felt lonely even though you were surrounded by friends and families that loved you? I have. I feel it all the time. It has grown apart of me and without it I would have felt empty. Though loneliness does bring the meaning of emptiness, it is still a word, it still exist.

Have you ever smiled with sad eyes? I have. When I smile in to the mirror every morning, the eyes smiled back at me sadly. It was as if it understood that I would be going through the day without feeling excited about it. It was as if it knew that I practically would force myself to go through the day smiling and sometimes the smiles are forced.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I weren't given the chance to be alive in this world. Would it be any different than it is now? Most of the time I would just stroll through the days and it will repeat itself the following day. When I wake up in the morning, I would just lie down on the bed, eyes focused on to the white walls staring it for so long that the eyes would feel tired. The mind forcing the body to get out of bed as if persuading that body that it had to do. Legs drag themselves to the bathroom sink to wash the eyes. What am I going to do today? Nothing interesting. Just the same stuff. Looking at the alarm clock, 11.30 am. Lunch awaits downstairs and so that was what the stomach was looking forward for. Taking a spoon, filling up a cup of water then slowly proceeds to the table to have it. Chicken rice. Yea. That is lunch today. I do miss it though. The steamed chicken on yellow coloring rice. Yum. Ah~ the peace and quiet of the surroundings calms me. It really does.

When I look outside the window, I see nothing. Just blur sceneries and visions that serve no meaning to me. When I drive through the town with the windows all down, all I hear are noises I don't understand. There I sat in my drivers seat, looking blankly at the red traffic light. What if I release the brake paddle and let the car stroll through the heavy traffic? Would it then make me feel alive? That few seconds of suspense and glimpse of reality, Looking blankly at the road again while driving thoughtlessly along the road. It's as if I drove out of mere memorization instead of a piece of concentration. Yes. I just drove aimlessly waiting for something to happen while on the road. Praying for a truck to hit me from the side. Just for the sake of curiosity and a drop of adrenaline rush.

Sitting there and singing the songs, my mind drifted away wondering if I really meant what I sang. Yes, I love to sing. I love to hear the harmony and the music. My heart is lifted by it but after a while it began to sink back to its hiding place. Hidden away behind unseen walls that have been unconsciously built along the years. Could someone please find a crane to knock it down? These walls that has rose to limitless skies.

I watched a dvd not long ago and it was called : Collage Of Our Life. I would highly recommend it. It's a very nice movie and it did have me thinking about how short life it and how beautiful it can be.

Time it was, oh what a time it was, it was,
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.

- Simon & Garfunkel