The week where we're supposed to rush for assignments and presentation.. yes, I'm still hanging around, a few more days left and I'm still at 10%. Do I feel motivated? Suprisingly, no. Maybe tomorrow or the day after then my heart will start racing and there's an urge to start something. Because my computer died last night and I had to spend the whole night with biatch and kawaiigal to reformat the whole damn thing. Pure luck. Am so thankful that my external harddrive is still alive with my soft copies of work inside. Or else, yes.. it'll be doomday.

Adema - Let go - Lyrics

I'm sitting on the edge of the water
Contemplating my strange life
The sun starts to fall into the ground
A breeze picks up off the waves
And everything is fine

Let go of all of your pain
I know that I am not alone
Everyone makes mistakes
and starts to learn with time

I am content with who I am
There's nothing more
I need to say
I'm happy with my life

Let go of all of your pain
Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself

Let go of all of your pain
Let go of the pain
Let go of all of your pain

Let go of all of your pain
Let go and you'll escape
You'll be happy with yourself
Let go of all of your pain

Let go
Let go
And release all this pain

Let go
Let go
And release all this pain

Let go
Let go
And release all this pain

Let go
Let go
Of all of the pain

I'm trying so hard.. really, but more pain keeps coming in. It made me feel lonely, that everyone is against me. I have nobody left. This pain keep increasing. I'm trying hard. I can't handle more pain anymore. It's hurting more and more each day. I only have myself.

Wanting me to be mature? I'm trying my best. You didn't give me enough time. It all happened to fast. I can't catch up and it's killing me inside. This pain of mine. You can't feel it but can't you see?

I wish I had some support from you but instead I had none. You talked on behalf of that bastard. You wanted me to grow up? Where were you when I needed you? Where you there when I broke down and cry after receiving the phone call from that bastard? The world felt like a dark cloud moving towards over murky waters and yet no rain fell to clear up the murky water. It only encourages the water to stay murky and dark and gloomy.

Problems with the internet connection at the hostel has led me to do unnessesary things such as downloading mp3 into my handphone. Usual times in which I would use to go the internet to check emails, play some games and surf has been filled with action of listening to mp3 and watching video clips from my almost 200+ stash of burned cds. I know that should use this time to concentrate on more important stuff such as completing assignments and reading academic literature but it has failed on me.

Anyways, it's still a few more weeks before the holiday arrives and the reality shots back. Family. Urgh. I want my nephew and my brothers.. and not... *refer to the previous post*

When ah-boy asked me to go out for the prom, I knew then that it was out of sympathy. I appreciated his concern but then I do not want to put burden on him and his friends to accept me into their group of friends. Eventually they had a table and there was enough place to add one more. Not this year, maybe when I graduate. That is if I ever graduate. But anyways, this semester will be the last for most of the friends I've became friends with when I first join this Uni. It will be lonelier without them next semester. On the bright side, I made new friends which is a good thing. I'm trying my best to fit into the class and to get involved in conversations and dicussion. An improvement worth noted.

Suprisingly, my presentation this afternoon went pretty well. I was worried that I would present something that is out of my topic but I guess it's all okay. The other two presenters was absent so the class had more time in discussing about my topic. Good Good. I still couldn't shake of the nervousness of being in front of the class. I think it got worse since the last 3 years. The ironic part about this whole situation was that I was one of the speakers for my school debate team when I was in high school and had been in the school's choral speaking team for 2 years. Now, here I am, speechless and nervous in front of a class with less than 10 people instead of an audience of almost 100 people. Shoot! What happened? My slides and writing are still good but I guess my public speaking has gone rusted. Does it need polishing? Will that rust be able to be removed despite all the afford?

Tomorrow, I'm going to meet up with a cousin who I feel most comfortable in this whole wide world. I grew up with him. Been through heaven and hell with him. He was there when I had a very bad time in my previous university. He was there when I needed him the most. He is like a big brother that I never had. What will happen if he decides to settle down? Will his priority change because at the current situation, I am still his priority than his so-called girlfriends....

Changes scare people.

Last night I stayed up pretty late because I knew that I will only have class in the afternoon so I could spend my morning sleeping. Before going any further, yes, classes are doing well. Tons of assignments and presentation but all is well. Everything went well till the call I got this morning that left me depressed, angry and mostly HURT. Who called? My brother-in-law. Apparently I couldn't get my car back until I pass my exam.

In my mind at that moment was... 'BULLSHIT! Just say that you want your wife to use the car. Not some freaking lame excuse.' Why the hell was I nice to him in the first place? Why do I have to go through all the trouble to go to town using bus just to settle his shit? Is that why he didn't tell me about this until I actually completed the favor.

to the guy will might not read this...
"FUCK YOU! Give me back my car. You can have that rm200 back! That amount is nothing compare with the life I am having in the hostel!. I did it all 'sui-sui' for you and you give me this shit? Fucker~ tell me before I did the favor, then it's okay. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO... you have to wait till everything is fine then you fucking tell me this shit. I could have just kept it and spent it all in a day. OH YES I DEFINATELY WOULD DO THAT IF I HAD KNOWN!"

arghhhhh.. okay.. now, I'm more angry than depressed.

Now, my sympathy to him has lowered to a total 0%. And I was backing you up when everyone was backstabing you behind your back and this is what I get. Now, all I can say is KAM KAI ONE!

So, what is my daily routine till I get back home (and it is not that is my home anymore, feels like a place to sleep and eat. Not a place call home) in November.

Wake up,
get ready for class,
eat,
class,
break,
class,
internet,
eat,
assignments,
internet,
eat,
internet,
internet,
internet,
sleep.
(unless someone nice picks me up for dinner or lunch)

And before my mum left, she told me to stay away from the internet. well, if you want me to stay away from the internet then why is my own transport away from the internet taken away from me? Huh? huh?

You can have you car back if you pass your exam.
Threaten me ah!
You can have the car.
Keep it.
Stop babbling about petrol, maintenance and how much you spent on the car.
I do not want it!
Fuck Off.

I now have started to despise going back. I would prefer staying here where I do not have to face someone so hated in my whole life. I have never hated someone this bad. You have crossed that limit line, my friend. I HATE YOU! no.. I HATE ALL OF YOU!!

I am so not going to answer any phonecalls from them nor reply any emails. Why do I have to anyway? I came here to study, right? Not to answer calls from any of you or I am not obliged to reply any emails from all of you. Leave me alone. I had enough. Thank You.